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Saturday, December 25, 2010


The UN has received a desperate appeal for assistance from a fragile young waif of a bulldog. She reports being under attack by some sort of alien life form, best described as a giant mosquito with blue glowing eyes. So far two entities have been sighted, and she believes she has kept the invasion isolated to one building. She is spending a lot of time outdoors watching the skies.

In case the UN forces do not make it in time, please stock up on ammo and come to her rescue at:
Here, Where She Is,
Being Chased by Giant Bug-Eyed Monsters,
Which May Carry Disease,
Poor Little Thing,
And They Won't Give Her All the Cookies Either,
Send Help Fast.
Due to judicious application of woeful eye rays, the invasion is now sequestered in an upper floor. She suggests several AKs. Or perhaps the machine gun.

Recommended attack pattern is to come in low while laying down a suppressive line of fire, and then belly-crawling up the stairs shooting as you go. She'll be right behind you - that is, as soon as she finishes up the cookies underneath the tree. After that she'll be right behind you.

PS: Bring more cookies.

Merry Christmas all
Can't leave bunker,
Fireplace escape route compromised,
Cookie traps triggered, crumbs left, no body, reset,
Winged hellish slave beast with glowing red nose,
Captured evil packages,
Supplies dwindling,
All holy milk gone,
Situation desperate,
Send fresh alkaline batteries for new toys,
Ship via FedEx Priority Overnight,
Send message to 10 others,
Only way to have Happy New Year,
Don't risk breaking the chain
Due to a misplaced desire to be near family, I am in the NE.

And I made the mistake of looking at the weather report!!!!

There IS no escape from the bunker. Fortunately, there is plenty of turkey.
I think there was something in those cookies. ;)
My brother (or rather, my brother's wife) got them for her. They are special dog cookies from a special dog bakery.

In the south we do not have such things.

What there may be in the cookies is unknown, but the dog in question claims that they are necessary to life and limb, and that UN Canine Declaration of Rights requires all dogs to be fed these cookies.

She is always dramatic, but the toy helicopters and the cookies appear to have tipped her into dogsterics.
PS: We are going to try the toy helicopters again today without benefit of Scotch. We were using the Scotch for medicinal purposes because we all have bad colds.

We can get the helociraptors to take off, but navigating is extremely dicey and landings are of the "uncontrolled collapse into terrain" variety. They come with repair kits but so far we have not had to use them.

When you have a 90 pound bulldog hyperventilating and running around barking at the helociraptors (which do have blue glowing lights) as they spin crazily through the air, life assumes a strangely surreal dimension.

I went out early this morning before the blizzard and got some tiny plastic spears (you know, the ones you stick in foods). I think we can tape them to the helociraptors and duel with them.

And then there are the bucky balls. I think if we taped a bucky ball to the end of a toy spear we could run search and rescue operations on paper clip stretchers.
"When you have a 90 pound bulldog hyperventilating and running around barking at the helociraptors (which do have blue glowing lights) as they spin crazily through the air, life assumes a strangely surreal dimension."


About 5 years ago I bought a radio controlled modern tank. It's about a foot long.

It moves at amazingly high speed in our front lawn (but can only do so for less than a minute on a 15 minute charge).

Needless to say, the battle between it and our 50 pound Labrador Retriever mix is/was beyond amusing.

We also have a rubberized Halloween rat with glowing eyes, shaking paws, and a screaming voice.

My girlfriend gave me a hard time for frightening our dog with it the first time it was introduced.

However, I simply told "Honey" to "get it" and the fun began. Our dog's behavior instantly changed from cowering to play stance (both front legs down, rear end elevated).

The rat was sound activated. The dog and it had quite the conversation, lol.

It took about 5 minutes more to turn a terrorizing rat into a toy that could be pulled around the house by its tail! Very amusing! Our "brave" dog never looked so pleased with herself, lol.

I think we finally have a solution to the war on terror. We need to deploy toy helociraptors, toy tanks, and toy rats! No terrorist would want us laughing at the folly of it all.

Just think how many we could deploy for $1 trillion!
Warning! Do not click on the "Teeth Brilliant" link. When you try to leave the page up comes a dialog box asking if you are sure you want to miss out on the offer.

If you are like me, that nearly always sends me into a browsing panic.
Just to bring joy to us all - Christmas Spam.

Now why in the world would anyone click on a link that says "Teeth Brilliant?"

Anyway, it has entered the junkhole of blogging history.
We really need a picture of this famous bulldog
Mark - it is too bad you are on the west coast and I am on the east coast, because wouldn't the battle between the toy tank and the toy helociraptors be a joyous and wonderful thing?

Also, if two dogs were involved any decent video footage would have commercial potential.

Believe it or not, the Israelis are working on this little tiny drones that look like bugs that fly around and find stuff like missiles and terrorist hideouts.

In other news, the toy helicopter box has a chirpy advertisement saying "easy to fly!".

So far, that has proved to be a claim that the FTC should look into.
David - I do not have the digital camera with me. Technically, I could take a picture with a cell phone and somehow get it to this PC, but in fact, I am spending all my time shoveling snow and whining for coffee.

The bright side is that my 100/60 blood pressure has caused the doctor to RECOMMEND coffee, which is causing me to look on the cardiac diet with newfound delight.
"Also, if two dogs were involved any decent video footage would have commercial potential."

At the very least, I think we could give Star Wars Kid a run for the money! :)
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