MaxedOutMama
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Job Posting
(I got the basis of this through a forwarded email and laughed pretty hard.)
JOB TITLE:
Parent, Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma, Father, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Committed, dedicated team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
This position involves training your replacement and will continue for the rest of your life. Candidates must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety
testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Successful candidates will have an optimist's outlook but a pessimist's ability to forecast possible emergencies and to implement a plan to avert disaster. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you when they leave your care and accept a position of their own.
REVIEWS:
Reviews of your job performance are administered by your trainees and often occur multiple times daily. If you are successful, these reviews will gradually diminish in volume and increase in eloquence and descriptiveness.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required. You will receive mandatory on-the-job training on a 24-hour schedule.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You will pay the trainees in your care. You will be expected to offer frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that it is considered a psychic reward. This position builds character.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
JOB TITLE:
Parent, Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma, Father, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Committed, dedicated team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
This position involves training your replacement and will continue for the rest of your life. Candidates must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety
testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Successful candidates will have an optimist's outlook but a pessimist's ability to forecast possible emergencies and to implement a plan to avert disaster. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you when they leave your care and accept a position of their own.
REVIEWS:
Reviews of your job performance are administered by your trainees and often occur multiple times daily. If you are successful, these reviews will gradually diminish in volume and increase in eloquence and descriptiveness.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required. You will receive mandatory on-the-job training on a 24-hour schedule.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You will pay the trainees in your care. You will be expected to offer frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that it is considered a psychic reward. This position builds character.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
