MaxedOutMama
Sunday, March 27, 2005
My Testimony: Spirit Coldly Burning
If you don't want to read this, may I suggest that you read this post by the Anchoress? In it she discusses something very important to me, objective reality, and relates it to her experiences with her dying brother. Reality is something we don't see much of in the press. Without a commitment to reality, we can't have integrity and we have no right to joy. Besides, her brother's experiences do give the lie to the stereotype of the "pansy-assed gay man" just as she says, and I am tired of all these foolish names that serve only to obscure truth.
Ga Dean (Bird's Eye View, The Radical Centrist) wrote in a comment to an earlier post of mine that I was a broken being, and knew it, and that knowledge had given me more clarity. That was such an incredibly accurate summation of twenty years of my experience that I have been thinking about his statement ever since. That he could be so perceptive really doesn't surprise me, because this is a man who walks to church in order to feed the homeless. He has integrity and the strength to patiently abide with others.
I am broken and yet whole, because for some reason I don't understand the process of being broken ended up being a process of being broken open. The best way I can describe what I have endured is that it was like a vivisection, in which I was sliced up bit by bit, the bits passed through the bars of my prison cell and reassembled outside in freedom to somehow become a whole and living person. I would not have chosen this fate, yet now that I have been consigned to it I would not give up what I am or what I may become.
I seem to myself to be the self of twenty years ago, decanted into a rewired brain which is improved in essential function, although in many ways I am still learning to use it. My likes and dislikes seem to be pretty well intact. I still dislike the color yellow and almost all pastels ( a pale lavender is acceptable). I still love science as intensely as I did in high school and college. I still admire the same people and I still think logic and reason is terribly important. I still believe that justice is the fundamental prerequisite of a civilized society. I still love my family; but now I have the ability to love others as intensely and as freely, and that is an incredible gift. My IQ is definitely higher than it was, and I like my new ability to conceive of most situations as a complex of mathematical functions and vectors.
Before I thought verbally, now I think spatially, if that makes any sense. This one corner of my mind, which must somehow correlate to a piece of my physical brain, has been just about the only thing that I've consistently had with me. I believe I lost it only once. When I could not see I thought with it; when I could not understand emotion I thought with it; when I could not move around I lay still and thought with it; when I could not speak I was quiet and thought with it. I don't know how conscious I always was of myself as a human being in the way that you experience yourselves but eventually I evolved a way to map the needs of other human beings with it, a conception of duty and responsibility to others, a reliable conception of an outer world which was not apparent to my confused and unreliable senses, a world which I could only know by the careful application of logic and repeated tests.
My consecutive memory ends in the early 1980s and only begins again last year. For most of my adult life, I have had to fight the instinctive response to answer an inquiry about my age with "23", because as far as I was concerned, I was 23. It was the only honest answer. Yet I realized in the abstract corner of my mind that this was not correct, so I finally programmed myself to reply to such a question with the year of my birth. But now I know that I am 43, and contemplate with some surprise that this year I will turn 44. Time has started for me again at about the same time as it ends for Terri Schiavo, and nothing I know can make sense of this for me.
In part this is because I have read the testimony of the nurses who have cared for her and watched some of the videos, read the affidavits of the doctors (ones who actually work with those who have suffered injuries to the brain), and read the affidavits and statements of the therapists. In all honesty, that abstract corner of my brain judges that there is more of her left as a person than there was of me for many years. Yet I know that some portion of me was always there, always thinking, and even when it could not speak it thought and struggled to do right by others, which is the acid test of being a moral consciousness.
The best way I can describe to you this abstract way of modelling the world is that I conceived of humans as X's, the fundamental unknowables in the equation that is the world. Because a complex equation's meaning and scope is lessened or completely destroyed by eliminating a term in that equation, this X figured out that destroying another X was wrong, and doing something to limit another X was wrong unless that other X was impairing yet another X. This X knew by reason only that other X's should not be harmed by it. This X did not really understand emotion, and this X did not really understand its own pain, but this X did know that you should not destroy what you cannot create.
This X learned to smile when appropriate without really understanding what a smile meant. This X learned to understand humor as a comparison of two equations mutually contradictory but yet both true, leading to a burst of understanding. This X thinks spatially of another X's pain, and models it as a flinch from a physical impact or a mental assault, which it conceives of as a form of spatial violation. This X could never figure out why it was inappropriate to reach into a pot of boiling water to retrieve a dropped spoon. This X realized that the body in which it resided would feel pain, but this X did not find that pain a violation of personhood or flinch from it.
According to the affidavits of the nurses and of several of the doctors, Terri seeks comfort and avoids pain and anticpates pain and comfort. Terri, who this X does not believe is abstractly smart enough to learn to fake it, laughs at people's jokes, smiles at people she cares for and trusts, and tries to speak. This X read the evidence and sees the X that is Terri Schiavo as being a more complete X than this X was. I read the evidence and see Terri as being a more complete person than I was. I, who am greater than the corner of my mind that was this X, now know why this X picked up hot pans and stuck its hands into boiling water. This X knew that pain existed, and felt it as a signal without emotional impact, yet this X also knew that signal was one ignored for functionality. When walking there were signals of pain, yet they were dismissed as meaningless interruptions. This X could not see the logical difference between one signal and the other.
There was none, because this X had no concept of self. None at at all. This X had only the concept of selves outside this X. This X did not have the concept of duty towards itself. If anyone this X had trusted had told this X to go and lie down and never to drink or eat again because it was an offense to others, this X would probably have done just that. The only reason that I am alive is that another whom this X did have reason to trust interceded and told this X that it would have to seek medical treatment for the sake of others. Even so, this X declined an expensive form of treatment and chose a more primitive one which did work, on the rational grounds that in a world of limited resources this X should not consume so much.
Yet this X, so limited in some respects, helped others in many ways, and the confused consciousness that relied so greatly upon this X usually worked, supported itself, and was highly regarded by others. This X learned to do so much and to interact well by watching and observing. I still trust the segment of my consciousness that is this X, and I still rely upon it to think for me, even though translating those thoughts into words is often impossible, and when it is possible it sometimes takes days or weeks to achieve. And I too perceive that Terri is a person whereas this X was not a person. I too perceive Terri as having rights that this X did not have and does not have. I still have not figured out what rights I should have. I simply don't know.
One thing I do know. Those who think they can define the quality and quantity of another's consciousness on the basis of a 30 minute examination are fools, and even this X knows that those who believe they are wise and who operate with no understanding of the objectively unknowable X's are dangerous. This X did not commit such a folly. I am glad of it.
Ga Dean (Bird's Eye View, The Radical Centrist) wrote in a comment to an earlier post of mine that I was a broken being, and knew it, and that knowledge had given me more clarity. That was such an incredibly accurate summation of twenty years of my experience that I have been thinking about his statement ever since. That he could be so perceptive really doesn't surprise me, because this is a man who walks to church in order to feed the homeless. He has integrity and the strength to patiently abide with others.
I am broken and yet whole, because for some reason I don't understand the process of being broken ended up being a process of being broken open. The best way I can describe what I have endured is that it was like a vivisection, in which I was sliced up bit by bit, the bits passed through the bars of my prison cell and reassembled outside in freedom to somehow become a whole and living person. I would not have chosen this fate, yet now that I have been consigned to it I would not give up what I am or what I may become.
I seem to myself to be the self of twenty years ago, decanted into a rewired brain which is improved in essential function, although in many ways I am still learning to use it. My likes and dislikes seem to be pretty well intact. I still dislike the color yellow and almost all pastels ( a pale lavender is acceptable). I still love science as intensely as I did in high school and college. I still admire the same people and I still think logic and reason is terribly important. I still believe that justice is the fundamental prerequisite of a civilized society. I still love my family; but now I have the ability to love others as intensely and as freely, and that is an incredible gift. My IQ is definitely higher than it was, and I like my new ability to conceive of most situations as a complex of mathematical functions and vectors.
Before I thought verbally, now I think spatially, if that makes any sense. This one corner of my mind, which must somehow correlate to a piece of my physical brain, has been just about the only thing that I've consistently had with me. I believe I lost it only once. When I could not see I thought with it; when I could not understand emotion I thought with it; when I could not move around I lay still and thought with it; when I could not speak I was quiet and thought with it. I don't know how conscious I always was of myself as a human being in the way that you experience yourselves but eventually I evolved a way to map the needs of other human beings with it, a conception of duty and responsibility to others, a reliable conception of an outer world which was not apparent to my confused and unreliable senses, a world which I could only know by the careful application of logic and repeated tests.
My consecutive memory ends in the early 1980s and only begins again last year. For most of my adult life, I have had to fight the instinctive response to answer an inquiry about my age with "23", because as far as I was concerned, I was 23. It was the only honest answer. Yet I realized in the abstract corner of my mind that this was not correct, so I finally programmed myself to reply to such a question with the year of my birth. But now I know that I am 43, and contemplate with some surprise that this year I will turn 44. Time has started for me again at about the same time as it ends for Terri Schiavo, and nothing I know can make sense of this for me.
In part this is because I have read the testimony of the nurses who have cared for her and watched some of the videos, read the affidavits of the doctors (ones who actually work with those who have suffered injuries to the brain), and read the affidavits and statements of the therapists. In all honesty, that abstract corner of my brain judges that there is more of her left as a person than there was of me for many years. Yet I know that some portion of me was always there, always thinking, and even when it could not speak it thought and struggled to do right by others, which is the acid test of being a moral consciousness.
The best way I can describe to you this abstract way of modelling the world is that I conceived of humans as X's, the fundamental unknowables in the equation that is the world. Because a complex equation's meaning and scope is lessened or completely destroyed by eliminating a term in that equation, this X figured out that destroying another X was wrong, and doing something to limit another X was wrong unless that other X was impairing yet another X. This X knew by reason only that other X's should not be harmed by it. This X did not really understand emotion, and this X did not really understand its own pain, but this X did know that you should not destroy what you cannot create.
This X learned to smile when appropriate without really understanding what a smile meant. This X learned to understand humor as a comparison of two equations mutually contradictory but yet both true, leading to a burst of understanding. This X thinks spatially of another X's pain, and models it as a flinch from a physical impact or a mental assault, which it conceives of as a form of spatial violation. This X could never figure out why it was inappropriate to reach into a pot of boiling water to retrieve a dropped spoon. This X realized that the body in which it resided would feel pain, but this X did not find that pain a violation of personhood or flinch from it.
According to the affidavits of the nurses and of several of the doctors, Terri seeks comfort and avoids pain and anticpates pain and comfort. Terri, who this X does not believe is abstractly smart enough to learn to fake it, laughs at people's jokes, smiles at people she cares for and trusts, and tries to speak. This X read the evidence and sees the X that is Terri Schiavo as being a more complete X than this X was. I read the evidence and see Terri as being a more complete person than I was. I, who am greater than the corner of my mind that was this X, now know why this X picked up hot pans and stuck its hands into boiling water. This X knew that pain existed, and felt it as a signal without emotional impact, yet this X also knew that signal was one ignored for functionality. When walking there were signals of pain, yet they were dismissed as meaningless interruptions. This X could not see the logical difference between one signal and the other.
There was none, because this X had no concept of self. None at at all. This X had only the concept of selves outside this X. This X did not have the concept of duty towards itself. If anyone this X had trusted had told this X to go and lie down and never to drink or eat again because it was an offense to others, this X would probably have done just that. The only reason that I am alive is that another whom this X did have reason to trust interceded and told this X that it would have to seek medical treatment for the sake of others. Even so, this X declined an expensive form of treatment and chose a more primitive one which did work, on the rational grounds that in a world of limited resources this X should not consume so much.
Yet this X, so limited in some respects, helped others in many ways, and the confused consciousness that relied so greatly upon this X usually worked, supported itself, and was highly regarded by others. This X learned to do so much and to interact well by watching and observing. I still trust the segment of my consciousness that is this X, and I still rely upon it to think for me, even though translating those thoughts into words is often impossible, and when it is possible it sometimes takes days or weeks to achieve. And I too perceive that Terri is a person whereas this X was not a person. I too perceive Terri as having rights that this X did not have and does not have. I still have not figured out what rights I should have. I simply don't know.
One thing I do know. Those who think they can define the quality and quantity of another's consciousness on the basis of a 30 minute examination are fools, and even this X knows that those who believe they are wise and who operate with no understanding of the objectively unknowable X's are dangerous. This X did not commit such a folly. I am glad of it.
Comments:
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I was talking to a friend the other day about a line from the book "Damage" in which the protagonist declares that damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive. We have to be careful with others who do not know this (that we are damaged or that one can survive), but we must also recognize that we can perform miracles, and that we can see what others cannot. I would not trade my current self for the whole, blind self I once was.
Thank you MoM, for an incredible, insightful, haunting, comforting post.
Thank you MoM, for an incredible, insightful, haunting, comforting post.
# posted by 
: 8:19 PM
: 8:19 PM
I was talking to a friend the other day about a line from the book "Damage" in which the protagonist declares that damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive. We have to be careful with others who do not know this (that we are damaged or that one can survive), but we must also recognize that we can perform miracles, and that we can see what others cannot. I would not trade my current self for the whole, blind self I once was.
Thank you MoM, for an incredible, insightful, haunting, comforting post.
Thank you MoM, for an incredible, insightful, haunting, comforting post.
Sigmund sent me your way and I'm glad that I came.
I agree with everyone else...thank you for posting this.
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I agree with everyone else...thank you for posting this.
# posted by : 9:49 PM
: 9:49 PM << Home
