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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Patriarchy Strikes Again

The patriarchy (in the form of Chief No-Nag), intercepted me on the way out of the door this morning. Claiming that I was still sick with the flu, the patriarchal oppressor suggested that I stay home. I was going to blast the patriarchy for yet another attempt to suppress of womanhood in all of her glorious independence from male domination, but instead I started to cry and the patriarchy succeeded in its subtle and vicious plot.

Right now I have a temperature of 102.3, despite sucking down all the water I can hold. There can be no doubt the flu is a patriarchal device for this sinister plot to suppress the matriarchy's right to work outside the home. For example, according to DU and other authoritative sources Rumsfeld has stock in the corporation that owns the Tamiflu patent. Also, the CDC released a guideline saying that the flu circulating in the US was resistant to amantadine and rimantadine, and telling doctors to prescribe Relenza or Tamiflu for the remainder of the year. So it's obvious that Rumsfeld has been throwing infected birds out over Turkey in order to maximize his patriarchal corporate profits. I bet the monster scattered a few vials of flu virus over Georgia on his way to Turkey. Q.E.D.

Where is Martha Burk when you need her? To top it off, the local patriarchal representative told me last night that I was "lucky" because I was getting over it so fast. If I could have gotten to my feet fast enough I would have pasted him between the eyes right then. Three days of shivering, shaking, aching, coughing, snorting and being attacked by vicious incoming air molecule missiles does not qualify as "luck" in my book.

I hope there is some arrangement to prevent the President from using those nuclear codes when the President is running a temperature. If I only lived in Oregon I could end my misery now. Legally.

For a saner blogging experience, try YARGB. For example, Seneca the Younger has an interesting theory about the week's delay in the vote on Alito:
What was the point? Are the Democrats so angry that they're going to spend millions of dollars pointlessly? Or, alternatively, do they think that they'll get some kind of extra leverage out of proving that they'll ruthlessly attack someone even when there's no chance of getting the immediate political outcome the way they want it?
I wonder how many people are aware that political consultants who help set up big advertising purchases get a commission on those ads?

Suddenly, the fog lifts. If those ads don't run, the commissions don't come in.
See? It's obvious that the patriarchal Bushite corporate culture is striking again to maximize its profits. It's all a plot, I tell you.

I hope you feel better soon! You're probably better off submitting to the patriarchy in this case. But I may only think that because I am a card-carrying member of it.
Ooohh, so now we find out that they issue cards! It figures.

When I called into work they seemed rather glad not to be graced with my presence. Clearly a vast, vast patriarchal conspiracy.

Or, could it be that I am a bitch when ill?
Feel better soon- that's an order.

Now, from the SC&A Encyclopedia of Miracle Medical Cures, comes the secret to beating this evil bug:

Immediately prior to retiring for the evening:

1)Measure 1 1/2 cups of a sweet wine, heated to scalding (bubbles at the side on the pan, but not yet boiling)

2) Pour into glass and drink as quickly as you can. Ideally, the wine should be very warm when consumed.

3) Loosely wrap a scarf around your neck and get under the covers and sleep.

It really works- but you must follow the instructions.

We are SC&A- we know these things.
Well, I've tried the whiskey version. It's not that it's not working, it's more that I have to get up 4 or 5 times a night to drink water.

I must be drinking close to a gallon of water a day. This is a very nasty flu. I'm literally boiling it off. I feel better, but extremely exhausted and achy still.

I'll do my best to follow your orders!
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