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Friday, November 24, 2006

The Real Estate Diet

After Thanksgiving, naturally 99.9% of all women start worrying about fitting into those little black dresses for the Christmas company party. Fear not, I have good tidings. My bulldog, who is exquisitely feminine, has evolved a fool-proof and profoundly simple, yet enjoyable, diet plan for herself that produces guaranteed results without fail.

To follow this plan, all you have to do is divide the available comestibles into three groups - No Calorie, Low Calorie and High Calorie. Restrict your daily intake to zero to one servings of High Calorie food, three to four servings of Low Calorie food, and go wild with the No Calorie group. A serving is defined as all you can find at the moment, so there's no need to measure or weigh anything. No exercise is required, other than that required to carry out this plan.

So it's all in the food groupings, and here is where the elegant simplicity of this diet becomes apparent. Rather than counting carbs or grams or staring at charts, the fundamental principle used to categorize foods in this plan is Location, Location, Location. Just remember those three words: location, location, location (from which words comes the diet's official name). Using this simple principle, most women will be able to rapidly work out their own personalized road to dieting success. Here's the bulldog's plan as an example.

High Calorie foods:
Low Calorie foods:
No Calorie foods:
The real strength of this diet is that it allows considerable flexibility as long as you approach it with strategic cunning. For example, at first you might believe that eating your piece of rawhide and That Other Dog's rawhide would count as two servings of Low Calorie food, leaving you with only two more for the day. But with planning, you can convert Low Calorie foods to No Calorie foods.

In this situation, the thing to do is choose a location where you can make eye contact with That Other Dog, and sit on your own rawhide. Then you stare with anguish and woe at That Other Dog as he attempts to eat his, while you clearly have none. Naturally, he will start to feel sorry for you (especially since you ate nothing at breakfast) and will stop eating. Eventually That Other Dog will get up to go for a walk and you can then dart in, grab his nearly-whole piece of rawhide, and store it in the food vault while he is distracted chasing golf balls. Grab a golf ball for a quick No Calorie snack while you wait, and then when you go back in, grab your rawhide quickly and eat it. So now you have had only one serving of Low Calorie food plus one serving of No Calorie food, but you also have a spare piece of No Caloric rawhide tucked away in your food vault for an evening snack, which remembrance will strengthen your resolve to ignore the food in your own bowl at dinner.

In addition, after a few days of resolutely eating nothing from your bowl, That Other Dog will start to feel sorry for you and will leave you some pretty good portion of what is in his bowl, or possibly pick up and dump mouthfuls of food from his bowl on the ground purely for the pleasure of watching you circle and make low swooping runs below the terrifying jaws of That Other Dog to get at those delicious morsels.

Now there are times when the food in your bowl will be tempting indeed, but there is no need to panic! Keep your head and realize that merely by combining stricken gazes at the bowl with anguished gazes at Dear Man, you should be able to induce Dear Man to remove some of the best meat hunks from your bowl and offer it to you by hand, thus converting a High Calorie food into a Low Calorie food.

This diet is uniformly successful. That Other Dog always loses weight at a significant rate, and if That Big Bitch dumps the contents of your dinner bowl into the garbage instead of on the ground, you may even lose weight yourself. It is also a very satisfying diet which makes eating a fun and entrepeneurial activity.

In my opinion, all the most successful female dieters use some version of this plan. For instance, take the well-known technique of ordering a salad in a restaurant and then staring sadly at your escort 's steak until he orders cheesecake for dessert. This is a time-tested way of converting high caloric food into low caloric food. because of course bits of cheesecake sniped from his plate don't make you fat, whereas ordering your own dessert would cause the entire restaurant to erupt in jeers and would cause your dress seams to split before you even made it home.

Oh, and a helpful final tip from the bulldog: if that little black dress still reveals unsightly bulges after a few weeks of following this plan, don't panic. Simply put it on the sofa for a day, dump chocolate syrup or mousse on it and eat the blasted thing. Remember, sofa upholstery is in the No Calorie group.

Then when the guy comes home, instead of dressing for the company party suggest an interlude in the bedroom. He'll be happy and you will be too, and you will not be missed at the company party.
Don't forget to offer Dear Man some cheesecake or pie after you emerge from the bedroom, and do sit staring lovingly at him while he eats it. You should be able to get more than half. It's best if you do this while only wearing a sweatshirt, because a little judicious leg crossing and uncrossing will ensure that his eyes will not be on his plate. By the end of the evening you both will be experiencing great holiday cheer.

Hi Mama; Sounds like someones feeling better!

Happy holidays.
The bulldog is feeling pretty good!

Thanks, and Happy Holiday to you, too.
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