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Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Yes, Virginia, Mars IS Emerging From Its Ice Age

Space.com, 2001:
Mars would make a lousy host for the Winter Olympics. Yes, there's the lack of air to consider. But more important, Martian snow turns out to be rock hard. Worse, it is melting away at an alarming rate.

In fact, Mars may be in the midst of a period of profound climate change, according to a new study that shows dramatic year-to-year losses of snow at the south pole.
Space.com, 2003:
Scientists have suspected in recent years that Mars might be undergoing some sort of global warming. New data points to the possibility it is emerging from an ice age.
There appears to be too much frozen water at low-latitude regions -- away from the frigid poles -- given the current climate of Mars. The situation is not in equilibrium, said William Feldman of the Los Alamos National Laboratory.

"One explanation could be that Mars is just coming out of an ice age," Feldman said. "In some low-latitude areas, the ice has already dissipated. In others, that process is slower and hasn't reached an equilibrium yet. Those areas are like the patches of snow you sometimes see persisting in protected spots long after the last snowfall of the winter."
Fast forward to 2006:
Dramatic new photographs of Mars have revealed the possible existence of water on its surface.
NASA researchers have documented the formation of new craters on the plant's surface and found bright, light-coloured deposits in gullies that were not present in previous photos.

They concluded the deposits - possibly mud, salt or frost - were left there when water recently cascaded through the channels.
Given that we knew the ice was melting, it's not surprising that some of it would have melted suddenly. After all, our much denser atmosphere both traps more heat and insulates us more from the sun's fluctuations. And these observations correlate well with the exceptionally warm weather in the 1990's on earth. So this is hardly surprising to news to most of us.

Now, for those ardent devotees of the 24-hour Anthropogenic Climate Catastrophe Channel show, hosted by Al Gore with numerous guest appearances by Paul Ehrlich, it's clear that the Martian climate catastrophe coincided with George Bush's Selection, and the only logical questions that remain to be answered as a result of this news are:

  1. Under the Constitution, does cooking another planet amount to "High Crimes and Misdeamnors", i.e., can we impeach Bush for it?
  2. How did he do it?
  3. Given that the Supreme Court is responsible for the deposition of the rightful heir to the throne, Al Gore, can we impeach them?
  4. Can we get Cheney, too?
  5. Is Gaia really, really mad at us this time? Can she forgive us, or are we doomed already?
Well, not to furrow your pretty little sloped* foreheads, you poor creatures. I realize that you are worried enough about everything already, and in my capacity as M_O_M, The Moonbat Advice Columnist, I will answer all your questions and solve all your problems for free**:
  1. Clearly, cooking another planet is both a crime and misdeamnor, thus the only question to be answered legally is whether this behavior qualifies as "High". Indeed it does, because as we measure elevation in relationship to sea level, Mars is even more elevated than the Andes, the Himalayas or the Alps. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
  2. It should be obvious how he did it, although shockingly, it does not relate to CO2. Rove had the Bush-Cheney cabal send the Mars Rover up to Mars to kick up enough dust*** to change the albedo of all of Mars, thus lowering the amount of the sun's heat radiated back to space, thus cooking all the cute little Marsmonks****, whose wails of extreme agony when crushed by Terran landing craft have secretly been recorded by the Mars Rover. I have it on good authority that Rove often plays these pitiful recordings at meetings of the despicable Bush-Cheney cabal for laughs.
  3. Yes, we certainly can impeach the Supreme Court justices who plotted to kill the Marsmonks! Better yet, we can load 'em up in a space capsule of Mercy, and send them to Mars to face justice at the maws of the few remaining Marsmonks, who are desperately perching on the last of the Mars ice just as our own polar bears are clinging on to the last few remaining square feet of ice floes on Earth. Now that we control the House and Senate, we can do anything!
  4. Once we have managed to remove the traitorous Supreme Court justices, we can appeal for Venezuela to invade and get Dick Cheney. After all, he's veeeeery spooky and dangerous, and we are pacifists who disapprove of war, and also believe that there is nothing worth dying for, right?
  5. Gaia is not mad at us for what is happening on Mars, no. Margia, the planetary spirit of Mars, has been desperately signaling us about hir's wrath. Remember, the pagans, in whose philosophy all wisdom is to be found, always knew that Mincing Margia was the Androgynous God of War, and greatly to be feared.
* Sloped forehead at DU: 4. Wind turbines on the moon...wind turbines on the moon...
...I really like that idea. Lots of open space, no trees or structures, plenty of room for transmission lines with no obstructed rights of way. ... Damn that's good.

**I may receive funding from George Soros to allow me to continue my service to mankind as M_O_M, The Moonbat Advice Columnist, but this in no way detracts from my altruistic credentials. Both M_O_M and George Soros amassed truly excessive amounts of personal wealth by caring, deeply, passionately and disinterestedly, for all the fragile polar bears and Marsmonks.

***True, the enemies of all that's good and marxist will argue with their pettifogging, obfuscating numbers that the Mars rover kicked up very little dust that remained in the Martian atmosphere. Don't bother to do the math (it's bad for your marxist thought patterns, and anything with equations in it is ipso facto proof of sexist, chauvinistic discrimination against progressyves), just remember this simple fact. If regulating CO2 emissions from US cars ( which in total account for less than .5% of all anthropogenic CO2 emissions into the atmosphere) would fix global warming, then it's clear that the Mars rover could melt the Mars ice caps quicker than a polar bear in Cheney's hothouse could gasp his last breath. Indeed, you can prove this yourself by asking these nasty numerical nazis this simple question "Wouldn't regulating CO2 emissions from cars have about the same effect on Earth's climate as the Mars rover has on the climate of Mars?" You'll see,. They'll blink, look dazed for a moment, and then agree. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

****Marsmonks at DU: See reply number 35, complete with photo of said tragically landing-rover-squashed Marsmonk:
35. Not to mention the fish:
(Squashed by the landing of one of the rovers!)

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