Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Time For Something Completely Different
This guy makes a sport out of driving so as to get very, very high gas mileage:
"Buckle up tight, because this is the death turn," says Wayne. Death turn? We're moving at 50 mph. Wayne turns off the engine. He's bearing down on the exit, and as he turns the wheel sharply to the right, the tires squeal—which is what happens when you take a 25 mph turn going 50. Cathy, Terry's wife, who is sitting next to me in the backseat, grabs my leg. I grab the door handle. As we come out of the 270-degree turn, Cathy says, "I hope you have upholstery cleaner."I think I'll file this mentally under "males and excess".
We glide for over a mile with the engine off, past a gas station, right at a green light, through another green light—Wayne is always timing his speed to land green lights—and around a mall, using momentum in a way that would have made Isaac Newton proud.
Okay, okay, that last one-liner, produced on a day on which the news-gossipers say that those traitorous misogynists in MD and VA are voting for the MAN over the WOMYN, dooms me to write something about female excess. So continuing with the misogyny theme, let's try fashion.
MSN has slideshows of wearable and unwearable looks. Turning to the "wearable", I provide you a Georgian perspective. You'll have to look at the slideshow for the pics.
Pic 1, Trouser Suit with Private Eye hat. If you have the figure, lose the belt, and add a gun, I think this is doable. But not in a bank. The fabric looks like it wrinkles and wads, so I'd never buy it.
Pic 2, Sorry Mom, Detox Failed Again. No. No. No. The tights are a hopeful touch, though. They ensure that when you end up sprawled in a gutter you won't be flashing the world a la those Hollywood floozies.
Pic 3. I'm Really Not Anorexic This look is only wearable for an anorexic, but it is not a bad choice if you are anorexic and seeking to conceal the fact. For all non-anorexic women, this would make you look like the world's fattest, ugliest broad. Also a good choice for a guy in drag because this would completely conceal the male body conformations. Yes, I will concede that this is wearable for an anorexic drag queen.
Pic 4. Completely Retro Summer Party. Yup. Some women could actually look good in this. That's how retro it is. Not doable at office, even with one of those all-purpose summer jackets.
Pic. 5. Fled over Alps Cinderella. This sort of looks like a combo of crossing the Alps on foot to escape the Gestapo, then tearing off the sleeves and neck to convert it into evening wear. Beyond that, words fail me. I would think that the refugee would shave her legs and lose the boots for the occasion. Maybe it's a Georgia thing. There is no occasion, other than a really drugged-up Halloween party, at which this would be suitable, and any woman could look better for such an occasion by rummaging in her closet and extemporizing.
Pic. 6 Speaking of Halloween. Wow. This looks like ball wear for the Undead. Or perhaps it's a suitable outfit if you are Buffy the Vampire Slayer forced to improvise because you forgot your garlic and cross. Unless the vampire you are trying to slay is color blind, the clashing colors have a decent chance of freezing your target long enough to get that stake through his or her heart.
Pic. 7 Failed Retro. No, no. The designer should be sent back to view those old movies again. Those designers knew how to make clothes look considerably better on women. The one on the left looks like The Eternal Prissy Virgin, and the one on the right failed to realize that it's necessary to cut up and sew the drapes before wearing them. Scarlet will have to explain the procedure.
Pic. 8 Alpine Cinderella Found Dress. See Pic. 5. I'm glad our refugee found a wardrobe. Good luck with the prince!
Pic 9. Scarlet Knew Better. No, no! Cut up the drapes to make the dress, not an old army blanket! NOT a winning effort.
Pic 10. The Ostrich Lover. This is a suitable costume for a fantasy picture in which a female ostrich pleads with the gods to be turned into a human being for love of some guy she saw on the savanna. This is what she's wearing in the scene when the gods grant her wish and the change happens. You can tell she's kind of regretting the choice already, and will even more when she catches sight of herself in the mirror. Very few Georgian dogs could handle this without trying to flush the bird from covey. I'm not sure that many Georgia men wouldn't shoot first and ask questions later. Do NOT WEAR THIS IN GEORGIA. You could end up stuffed and on the wall.
1) 1920s men's business suits, deliberately worn as sloppy as possible.
2) Algemine SS dress blacks (greatcoat and all) with the Hakenkreuzen removed/painted over.
The urban legend was that fashion designers were all woman-hating homosexuals who dressed women as ugly as possible. Evidence for this was that the ideal model of the period was optimized to resemble what those fashion designers found to be REALLY cream-your-pants SEX-AY: 15-year-old boys.
It's a decent theory, but there are a lot of female fashionistas out there. How does one account for them?
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