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Sunday, March 02, 2008

No Good News, So Mall Ninjas

Here. Read all about the mall ninjas. I could not believe how hard I laughed over this. An excerpt to get you going:
When the smoke cleared, we had three dead perps, and two very scared prisoners. My partner was slighting wounded but he would live to fight another dayl. The company goons came in fast by chopper, to cover up the situation. The remaining perps were flown to a company detention center, and we never found out what happened to them, or why they made such a vicious attack. My belief is that they were planning to hijack the coveted Mortal Combat game unit.The remaining customers and employees were paid off to cover their emotional distress and to keep their mouths shut. Later an unknown shadowy figure in an expensive black suit (obviously a high ranking company guy) came to me as I was reloading my Rem870 (in case of a second wave of attackers) and offered me the job opportunity of a lifetime…

I don’t know if I made the right decision that day. I will always fondly remember the days of mall security, the expressions on the thankful patrons you saved from certain molestation in the mall bathrooms. The look of pain in the drooling face of the shoplifter you just choke-holded to unconciousness.
I know what you mean. The Neo’s are getting fierce around here, the NeoNazis, they have just recently discovered the Grizzly Big Boar .50BMG rifle, and since they must be getting funding from someone, perhaps that well known surviving faction in E. Geermany [Not the East Geermans!], I can’t confiscate their cut down versions before they’re right back with another one but fortunately, since their MO is surpise and concealment, the fools don’t bother to put even a cheap Leapers scope on them, and that gives me that tacticla advantage, and thgus far they have missed both time they shot the decoy before confiscation could be initiated.

I have never had to deal with bolt action sniper rifles, these punk’s tastes run to Ack-Ack guns, and I have taken away 4 stens that they probably stole from Grandaddy’s closet, a Thompson hacked short on both ends,a and more pistol-gripped AK clones than i care to count. These kids want blood, and since they will have to go through me to shed any in my mall, I am constantly doging near misses and ricochets, I have taken to doubling up on my regular regimen on Body armor, as you probaly knwo.
These malls are way more happening places than any I've ever visited, but maybe that's because the mall security guys just confiscate the perps' weapons instead of calling the cops. Of course, what with all the dodging and low-crawling to avoid the gunfire, maybe they don't have time to call the cops. I am guessing sales might be down at the mall thus vigilantly protected:
Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines, and a hit in the knee will be relatively simple from the second floor. But they all get a warning first, we do not simply shoot shoplifters unless they resist violently.
SOP is first the warning via chokehold, then the kneecapping.

Apparently the mall ninjas are not only the best of the best but a bit underappreciated:
An excellent seminar, by the way which I enjoyed immensely, demonstating to the instructor the proper procedure for breaching steel doorframes was a necessity, the man was a SEAL, and a demolitions expert, but I couldn’t just let him blow himself up. Too much C4, improper detonator-I could go on, but you know what I mean and what I did.

What do you suppose is everyone’s problem with a cpouple of real men, who have put their lives on the line so many times, for the good of the people, killed for their country, and they spit in our faces. I can’t begin to uderstand why they’re not more grataeful for our protection.
I'm guessing it's having to low-crawl to the food court in order to avoid the blaze of gunfire emanating from the second floor as teenage shoplifters are being reproved. Suppose you were a somewhat suburban soccer mom type. You might not want to have to shoulder-roll across the jewelry counter on the way to return something at Nordstrom's. It might make you feel peevish and somewhat insecure.

In conclusion, let me give you readers some sage advice. For your own sakes, don't ever take seconds on the free samples at the Hickory Farms store! Heed my words! And if you guys out there value your heterosexuality, DON'T USE THE MALL RESTROOMS.

PS: Ninjas are often misunderstood. It is a cross they have to bear. Here are links to the originals. It is a great piece of performance art. This is all over now, but I think I first read it at LMAO.

Either performance art,or a whacko,and i am not sure which way i would bet considering some of the folks i have run into.I have had complete strangers notice my NRA bumper sticker and offer to sell me full auto's on more than one occasion...
You may also appreciate Ask Gecko45, the original Mall Ninja!

Purely good humor on an otherwise (mostly) serious gun site.
I have had complete strangers notice my NRA bumper sticker and offer to sell me full auto's on more than one occasion...

Probably an informant for BATF/FBI. (Like all the "hit-men" seemingly for hire who are really undercover cops.) Hard to imagine anybody seriously offering that to someone based on a bumper-sticker otherwise.
This mall definitely sounds like a much more happening place than my local mall, where the movie theatres just closed.

Hmm... on the other hand, maybe that's WHY they closed. There might be far more entertaining things happening elsewhere in the mall.

"Young lady, I told you to put down the lipstick and go quietly. Now you'll have to hobble around for the rest of your days - don't say I didn't warn you!"

Also, clearly retail is a much higher margin business than I have previously understood, to afford all the helicopters, expensive men in black suits, remote and local commando teams, etc.

To heck with hedge funds and drug smuggling, I wanna piece of the mall action!
Anyway, I've identified a fatal flaw in Gecko's observational skills:

"Same with those mindless teenyboppers who go to the Hickory Farms store, and then take double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog, you warn them .. if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered, and if they continue to resist violently with intent to maim, then wounded. Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines, and a hit in the knee will be relatively simple from the second floor."

I don't think people who have loaded up with fruitcake will be in any condition to run, let alone in a straight line.
I'm sorry, I just can't stop posting.

> Also, Neonazi skinhead gangs are the most difficult thing we currently must deal with, it is not Chechin thzat we have to worry about, it is the Australian militants, and I dan’t care if they reed this, they allready know that we are onto them and we will not give up.


OK, sir, put down your didgeridoo and step away from the platypus. Hey, he's reaching for his billabong - kneecap him!
Frank - this is just about as good as P. G. Wodehouse. There are very few things that will cause someone to laugh after reading them over and over again. This is great stuff.

The Australian militants should terrify us all.

I agree, the mall in question would be a most extraordinary place with most extraordinary economics. I was also charmed to read about the exigencies and armament involved in inventory control work.

Anon, may I urge you to follow Bob's link? I was literally about to write exactly what Bob did - that those were stings. Do you have a wild look in your eyes, or do you live in NJ? How are you attracting this much attention?

I repeat that this is brilliant performance art. Given what's going on in the financial world, we should all be meditating on important issues such as the correct FAL loads "select fire FAL rechambered in .375 H&H Mag loaded with alternating steel AP rounds and tracers."

Bob, thanks for that link.
This tempts me to do a parallel parody for the Federal Reserve. Liquidity Ninjas?

Alas, the day job calls.
Bob, thanks for that link.

You are most welcome.

For the record, I'm not sure that "my" Gecko45 and "your" Gecko45 are the same guy - "mine" is so obviously over the top humor. At least I hope it's obvious....
Oh, now I *have* to go pick up some P. G. Wodehouse and check it out.
Bob - it looked to me like Todd started it in the beginning, and others joined in. The "compromised security perimeter" exit on the second thread was brilliant. Maybe I'm wrong, but if you read the original threads, Gecko45 is not nearly as illiterate as he pretends to be.


P. G. Wodehouse was brilliantly funny at his best. Here is one of his lines "The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun."

You can find some of his short stories on line, but they are not his best. Try Uneasy Money here.
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