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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Very Busy, So....

A summary of the terrorism situation around the world (Thanks, Lance!):
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "I Say, Old Chap!" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" (a recent replacement for "Blame Bush") and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out preemptive strikes on three continents under the 'Just in Case' doctrine. The US state of Georgia still has an estimated 16% of its male population armed and patrolling the GA borders watching hopefully for signs of the Russian army; perhaps coincidentally, 16% of the GA population is primarily of Scottish or Scotch-Irish derivation.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels. Historically, it has occasionally escalated directly to the Scottish "Let's get the Bastards" level when the population perceives that the strategic UK malt supply lines are threatened. Once the escalation occurs, the only known method of de-escalation is victory and the Canadian government's announcement of "The Beer's Over Here, Boys", at which the Canadians return to Canada on the next available transport.

And in the southern hemisphere ...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled".


So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. During WWII Australia remained at the "Need to Cancel" level for an unprecedented seven straight months, causing eighty-two percent of the adult Australian population to head overseas in the Scottish "Let's get the Bastards" mode. The stress produced by that circumstance is believed to have been culturally long-lasting. Ever since at the "Crikey" alert level the Australian population begins to spontaneously patrol the beaches and fling any observed foreigners into the ocean. The Indian embassy last year issued a "Crikey" alert for Indians living in Australia.


Comments:
Thanks for the chuckle, M_O_M.

On a completely different topic, my "little birdies" have completely failed to turn up hard numbers on natural gas infrastructure pricing and development. Turns out the source of all the information is from presentations at various executive-level utility conferences--good info, but I can't trace the sources. Those sources, by the way, have given up trying to guess what natural gas prices will do.

One really interesting thing that did turn up, though, is that permitting for new coal plants and new gas infrastructure is not always and everywhere a federal matter. Some states, like Texas, need EPA permits. Other states only require state permits, and there are in fact new coal plants being permitted now in some states. The more I look at it, the more complicated the energy supply picture seems to me.
 
Excellent; thank you.
 
Crikey, that's funny.
 
Great post. One point, you may want to refer to the Scottish or Scots when referring to the people. When referring to the very palatable malt beverage that originated from those same oatmeal savages it is truly Scotch.
 
"....Canada doesn't have any alert levels. Historically, it has occasionally escalated directly to the Scotch "Let's get the Bastards" level when the population perceives that the strategic UK malt supply lines are threatened. Once the escalation occurs, the only known method of de-escalation is victory..."


This is 100% true. However, Afghanistan will be a first for us Canucks. We are gonna head home before the shooting stops for the first time in 300 yrs.... oh, and we have never lost either.

so I say, "lets get the bastards!
 
great blog, especially like the one about the french, you must know them pretty well. I expect the french ambassator will send you some complementary whine.
 
Good one!

I'll keep a link for future reference!
 
There is one Canadian level you didn't mention that has been used only three times(1812, 1914 and 1939): "We'll be right back."
 
Right in the Bulls eye. Still laughing.
Stereotypes at there core, have some truth wrapped in exaggeration.
Its why we find them funny.
JMO
 
I am so glad that a friend in Canukia sent me a link to this blog. You're hilarious. I'm sharing this link with my like and non-like minded friends.

"Let's Get the Bastards" Comedy Gold to this Scot.
 
Revnant - yup! Eh!

One of the most unique things about Canada is that its government generally declares war only a year or two after the population has gone to war. It's as if one day the MPs start looking around and asking "where is everyone?", and then someone explains, and they eventually decide that if the wheat crops are going to be harvested, they'd better send their troops overseas some ammo and perhaps a few generals. Plus they recruit a few more Mennonites, because the Mennonites don't go to war.

I have spent the last few years rolling around laughing watching the Muslim/Canuck interaction. It seemed to have three stages:
A) Tolerance. Your average Canuck might have been surprised and indeed appalled to learn that faithful Muslims don't drink, but shrugged that off under the theory "more beer for us, and everyone's got the right to go to hell in their own way."

B) Some of the Canadian Muslim population got a bit antsy, and wanted to kind of control things. At this point the Canuck population woke up and learned about sharia.

C) "Give it up or get out." Disgusted by the general idiocy and the revelation that some Canadian Muslims wanted to somehow control things, the population got blood in its eye. To give the Canadian Muslims credit, they promptly figured out that the last thing you really want to do is piss off a lot of Canucks, and have largely backed down.

Canada is an extremely tolerant and cooperative society until someone tries to make Canucks do what they don't want to do, and then it goes Scots in a hell of a hurry. It's got nothing to do with the government.

I don't think anything has changed at all in Canada.

Events in Crikey land appear to be following a similar course.
 
Anon - in no way to I want to piss off the Scots, so I am making those changes. Except for Scotch-Irish, because that is how it is said. It is wrong, I grant you, but that is the usage.
 
Speake - Canadians do not start wars. They do have a history of finishing them. This history goes way, way back to long before Canada was a nation.

There is only one thing more terrifying than watching the Canucks march in, and that is getting caught between the Canucks and the nearest transport when the "Beer Here" call goes out.
 
The other two Canadian Alert levels are:
- 'Won't call you when we go ice fishing' and the ultimate:
- 'Not in front of me buddy, get to the back of the line'.
 
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