Sunday, March 25, 2012
Jumping The Shark
This has got to be the weirdest, most inane bit of anti-male sentiment on the planet, and any one of the featured dog breeds would be the first to point that out. I have never known a dog effectively stupider than the person who compiled this load of trash. I can just imagine a woman living in an urban area trotting after a Saint Bernard with a rather large pooper scooper on a cold wet morning, mentally planning the lawsuit.
Useful tips about men for the Huffpro perp:
- There's this thing called "dating". It allows you to screen out men that are not worth the time.
- Dogs need to be fed. You buy their food. Most men can buy their own food (see Tip 1).
- In no environment of which I am aware does a woman normally have to potty break an adult male (see Tip 1). Should you ever find yourself in this predicament (hint - more attention to Tip 1) it would be much quicker to accomplish than with a Golden Retriever puppy. Simply inform male that he does not get any until he "gets it". Mission accomplished.
- Dogs have vet bills. Men usually pay for their own doctor visits (although it's almost as hard to get them to go to the doctor.)
- Most men brush their own hair (see Tip 1).
- I have NEVER seen a woman walking a male on a city street while holding a pooper scooper. If you should find yourself doing this, you should redouble your focus on Tip 1.
- If you should suddenly find yourself with a plumbing problem, you need a landlord or a plumber or a male. Not even a golden retriever will help you. Seriously, I know. Your golden retriever will likely view this as a feature rather than a problem and roll around laughing and cheering in dog language.
- Dogs have 78 chromosomes. You, my dear, have 46. Major fail in the reproduction department.
- Most women like to have sex. It's hard to tell if that has occurred to you, the author of this bilge, or perhaps you are exceptionally strange. Several of the comments on the slides suggest that you are asexual, at best.
- Your mother has been praying for you to find a nice man and settle down, because she's worried that you will wind up a lonely, embittered spinster of 78 trotting along behind your King Charles Spaniel with a pooper scooper at five o'clock on a frigid icy winter morning, fall, and break your hip, and she does not want that to happen to you. Try harder.
- It is true that Akitas will wash themselves. They do not take care of their own fleas. If you truly believe this qualifies as better personal hygiene then any man you could get, try working on your self-confidence and personality, and return to Tip 1.
- If you really want a man who doesn't care where you are as long as the refrigerator's full, you should find it no problem to find one to suit. Bonus: you won't have to get up an hour early to walk said male, and you won't have to come home from work and walk and feed said male before showering to go out with the girls. He will probably also do the cooking, and you can take him as a deduction on your tax return.
- It is probably true that most adult male Boston Terriers are not flexible enough to wash their balls with their tongues. Does that really make a Boston Terrier your idea of the American gentleman? Tip 1 - yer not doin' it right.
- I'm going to leave the whole border collie thing alone. Way alone. Dogs are not cheap - perhaps you should save the cash you would spend on a dog and seek psychiatric treatment instead. For the sake of the puppies, you know?
I must admit that my girlfriend and I have a dog instead of children, if only due to the rising tuition costs. ;)
That's not the only reason though. I'm very concerned about our country's children's children. Nobody is looking out for them.
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." - Jack Handey
It just goes to show there are some people who are so full of themselves, they think girl talk at the bar is equivalent to HuffPo. For some, I guess that is true.
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