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Monday, January 07, 2013

It's National Refuse A Cabinet Appointment Day!

Remember Talk Like a Pirate Day? The new craze is to refuse the cabinet appointment of your choice for the reason that makes you feel the best.

Here, I'll start you off:
Regrettably, I must decline to accept the appointment of Secretary of the Treasury because I just can't keep a straight face when depositing a 1/4 ounce platinum coin worth a trillion bucks at the Fed and Snarky Mark would give more amusing press conferences anyway.

See how much fun it is? I dithered for while between that one and refusing the appointment of Secretary of State on the grounds that I just can't fall down that much convincingly. 

The rules are: 
1) You may only refuse ONE cabinet appointment that you have not been offered. Any more might be in bad taste.

2) Your reason must convey the subtle implication that you consider yourself not only better than the current appointee, but better than all possible appointees. This should not be too blatantly asserted, or you might perhaps be accused of a lack of humility. Remember, you are attempting to gracefully assert your ineffable brilliance in a self-deprecating manner.

Ghenghis John will refuse appointment as Secretary of Defense on the grounds that it might be hard on procurement professionals in government and industry. Which part of "it better work the first time" and "Fords, not Ferraris" do you not understand?

I must refuse appointment as Secretary of Homeland Security, as I simply don't have the poker face required to claim that intrusive groping is the same thing as security.

Somehow that makes me like you better, Neil.
I accept the appointment of Secretary of Commerce! Now that I have the job I must regrettably inform you that I'm requesting a 50% pay cut and am outsourcing my position to a fully qualified team of Chinese commerce professionals.
I regret that I must refuse the post of Secretary of Defense. It's true that I am a former military officer and I know quite a lot about guns, airplanes, and drinking at the Officer's Club.

However, I know nothing about diversity training or proper protocol for quartering LBGT personnel.

Furthermore, I have no experience with known unknowns and unknown unknowns. Nor have I ever known anyone who could find his way arounnd the Pentagon without a GPI firmly in hand. I don't have a GPI.

Thus, you must conclude that I'm not the person for the job.
I must decline the appointment as Secretary of Energy because, regrettably, I lack the PhD and other qualifications necessary to reliably invest in companies which are doomed to fail.
But Jimmy - don't you have a network of mistresses on three continents? That's the "James Bond" exemption which qualifies you for some top-level position!!!

Also never underestimate the power of really knowing how to drink at the Officer's Club.
"a network of mistresses on three continents?"

MOM, have you been reading my old service records? Damn, no privacy left at all. (:>)

It was Dr. "Goldfinger" who put that in your records, Jimmy.
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